Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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