I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
