When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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