my phone needs a breathalizer
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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