sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
