I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
