I can't watch pbs sober anymore
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
