Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Couch. On fire.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize