Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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