We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
