I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
