I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
