Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You made out with two different species that night
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
