just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
