He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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