that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
