I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize