I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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