Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
