I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
