Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
