the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
