Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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