in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
