Apparently you make a good broom.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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