walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
