Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize