i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
