Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Let's get the cat blown out
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
