I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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