I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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