I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
