Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize