I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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