Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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