But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize