My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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