You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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