Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
