Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
