I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
