We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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