I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
