I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
