I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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