Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
