I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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