I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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