So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize