I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
