did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
