just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
