my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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