I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
