he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
